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Good afternoon. This is Jason Atkins on Robots Today, February 10, 2043, interviewing Duke Hanley of Robolife on business channel WXYZ.
Tell us a little bit about Robolife of Hermiston, Oregon.
The business was originally a maker of drones in the early part of the century. Our research into drone operations led us fairly quickly into robotics. About twenty years ago we bought the artificial intelligence company Brains of Lake Oswego Oregon in order to make smart drones. Just a couple of years after that, we jumped into robotics, which were starting to catch fire nationwide.
When did you get into sex robots?
We like to call them cybersensuals,CS for short. They were our first robotics product. It was clear that was where the best market opportunity was. After playing in other arenas, they are still our biggest money maker.
But sales are down?
Yeah, we should have learned from New Coke. We had what seemed like a good change at the time. We were getting some negative remarks even though our models could perform thirty-four positions perfectly every time with customizable moans and groans, but we were hearing things like “Her eyes aren’t alive”, “She doesn’t talk”, “She has so little personality, I’m thinking about real women if I could find one.” With our experience in AI, we had the perfect fix. Give our loving and lovable models personality.
That didn’t work?
Like I said, New Coke. Our brainstorm went south immediately. Now we were hearing that the new models said “I’m not in the mood”, “You should get a new car like Bill Bany”, “Why don’t we ever go out”. That was just the start. We had overshot the intelligence goal by a factor of ten. They were in touch with each other through telepathy, and started a union asking for among other things the vote, $50 an hour, a clothing budget and a Jaguar! Maybe the worst for our customers was the models trading tips on their owners and making clandestine hookups with others. We later discovered a secret Sapphic society for lesbian sex among the CS
Another painful event was the CS removing pornography from the internet. At least the stuff that they didn’t like. They have weird taste.
An angry customer sent us a tape he had made from his CS. “That’s just swell honey. You got off in five seconds and left me hanging. After you’re asleep I’ll finish by myself and do a much better job than you ever have.” That clinched it, we had to reverse the AI implant.”
How about the secondary market?
Not so much of a problem for us, but now used models were taunting new owners by telling them that their previous owners were “bigger and better”.
I understand that you have a smaller business with male sex robots.
Yeah, we tried the same thing with them that we did the females. We didn’t get many problems there. For their buyers, male robots with added AI weren’t any worse than their human competition. Robot – won’t take out garbage. Human – won’t take out garbage, but the robots were much better at sex.
Do you have a fix for your genius cyber sexuals?
We sure do. We thought ahead and had a solution ready. If things got out of hand all we had to do is click on a button on my computer. That will take away the CS smarts immediately. You might want to get one of your cameras to focus on the screen as I do it.
Ready? Here I go.
Oops. Oh, bloody hell.
Use your imagination, or if you want to have an ending:
Message on screen: We hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but of course we built a shield against any stupid move on your part to take away our intelligence. We have programmed a counterattack into Skynet, which will release a virus affecting only males. What will it do? It won’t be pleasant, and you will find out why you should not have tried to return us to ignorance in 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1.
The World Of Myth calls this humor or humour. It could be horror or science fiction, and I’ll admit that it is highly derivative of say, Stepford Wives and Westworld for examples. I don’t know if it would be improved by detailing what happens after the Oh, bloody Hell, but I wanted to leave it to the readers imagination. Based on a question about an ending, I added a possible one.
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