Word count 9170

                                          

Interviewer:  Welcome to the most significant television show ever.  I know that it sounds like hyperbole, but this is the first ever interview with our closest relative, sometimes know as a Yeti or abominable snowman.

Because of the worldwide interest, the show is being simulcast around the world in English with translations into every major language with additional showings delayed for prime time viewing.  DVDs will be available within a week of the broadcast.  There will be minimal commercial interruptions.

The first order of business is to introduce our guest on my left.  What would you like to be called?

Dook:  A close approximation to my name in human languages would be Dook.

Interviewer:  We have so much to learn about you, but why can you speak English?

Dook:  We picked it up from newspapers, radio and television programs which are occasionally in English and from what we call the retrogrades.

Interviewer:  It sounds like you must be quick learners.  The retrogrades sound interesting, but if you don’t mind, I’ll get back to them later.  I’ve got so many questions.  Legend would have you seven or eight feet tall, but you only appear to be about four and half feet tall, or as non-Americans would say, less than a meter and a half.

Dook:  That’s mostly because the people that saw us exaggerated madly.  I don’t think anyone would claim to be scared by a white furry hobbit.

Interviewer:  At least the legends are right about the white fur.  I suppose that it helps you live in the cold environment north of India.

Dook:  That’s part of it.  Do you want the full story?

Interviewer:  Absolutely.  Our worldwide audience would love all of the details.

Dook:  A few thousand years ago, what you call the yeti, and we call Angwin, or superiors in our language, diverged from homo sapiens.  As we evolved to suit our environment, our blood changed to adapt to the altitude.  The reason that we are doing this in Nepal is that we Angwin can’t thrive in lower altitudes.

Physically, we got smaller with lower metabolism in order to survive on available food sources.  Our pelts are much like otters in its insulation.  We are usually awake only a few hours a day to conserve energy.

Given our difficult environment, we had to get smarter to survive.  We developed edible fungi that thrive in our homes in tunnels and caves.  I will confess that I personally am not a purist.  I’ve been known to steal food from villages, and grab things left behind by trekkers – they are so wasteful.  We are largely vegetarian, but in a pinch …

Interviewer:  Your answer invites so many more questions.  You seem to imply that you have evolved to be superior to humans.

Dook:  That should be self evident.  We live in harmony, don’t pollute and keep our population at a sustainable level.

Interviewer:  Relative to your population, I think that our viewers would like to know about your romantic life.

Dook:  Put another way, the drooling viewing perverts want to know about our sex lives.  I’ve seen you glancing at the bulge in my shorts that your producer forced me to wear.  I even got unwanted help putting them on from that very handsy producer.  Yes, I’m very much a male. 

The secondary sexual characteristics of our females are such that no enhancement is necessary, if you catch my drift.  Our sex lives are frequent and inventive.  Our flexibility permits acts unimaginable in humans.  Just thinking about it makes my shorts tighter yet.  Better yet, the female easily times births without any artificial methods.  In that way, we keep our population stable.

Interviewer:  I’m unconvinced about your superiority at this point, but let’s talk about the retrogrades that you mentioned earlier.

Dook:  The retrograde story should also convince you of our superiority.  Given our relation to humans, every once in awhile, we give birth to an Angwin that appears human, but has an Angwin brain.  They act as our emissaries to the unknowing world outside, keeping us up to date on events.  Sometimes they just migrate to local villages, and sometimes they travel afar.  In fact some of the villagers know our secret but they have either been discreet, or dismissed as superstitious fools.  Many of our retrogrades have been big successes in the world at large.  A good example is a retrograde that was huge in scientific circles in Switzerland and then the US in the early twentieth century.  His equation is known the world around, and improved on the knowledge of a mere human.  An unfortunate example of ours was a very rich man in the US who went into politics, but at least he succeeded.  Our take is that he was corrupted by long exposure to human society.

Interviewer:  Is the North American bigfoot or sasquatch related to you?

Dook:  We frankly believe that the bigfoot stories are myths, despite the widely circulated photo of Doug Hawley with a purported bigfoot in Oregon.

Interviewer:  One last question for what I hope that will be one of many interviews.  Why are you talking to us now after previously being so shy?

Dook:  It may be a vain hope, but we are hoping to halt an encroaching human population.  We don’t want to be overrun or exploited.  Our hope is to form a coalition of nations that will allow us a homeland, something like Israel, but without the continuous conflict.

                                                   Prime 2

This is Julie Collins back with our second interview with Dook, the representative of the Yeti, or as they say, the Angwin.

Collins – What has happened since I last talked to you?  I know that you wanted to get agreement on an Angwin homeland.

Dook – There have been bumps along the way, but we never thought that it would be easy.  We share with humans the idea that we should hope for the best, expect the worst.  We’ve made little obvious progress towards our goal, and there have been threats against us, mostly against me.  We know that we will prevail however.

Collins – Are you doing something to protect yourself and your people?

Dook – Yes, but I’ll get to that later.

Collins – You are not physically imposing.   Do you have heavy weapons at your disposal?

Dook – I’d rather not say.  We don’t want to give our enemies too much information.

Collins – Can you give us the specifics of various nations’ response to your proposal?

Dook – I mentioned one of our retrogrades in the first interview.  He is now the president of a powerful country.  His response was highly negative:

“I’ve cast my lot with the humans and renounce the sad yeti people.  You are small in all ways.   It would be against our interest to grant you any sovereignty.  With the rapid climate change, there may come a time when iron, coal and even gold may be mined where you live.  I want the opportunity to extract whatever lies under your land.  If that means that you must move, we can just set you up in North Dakota.  It ought to look like home to you and I could use more workers on the pipeline.”

That was the formal response, which had more than 140 characters.  Shortly thereafter, we received a tweet.

“I might reconsider if you would introduce me to some of the yeti women.”

Collins – How about your neighbors?

Dook – That was not a surprise at all.  Most if not all of the countries in our region are concerned about giving up a square centimeter of land, regardless of its value.   India, Pakistan, China, Nepal all have been arguing over the extent of their territory.  Each turned us down flat.  The Tibet representative said that he would be glad to negotiate after Tibet got home rule, which isn’t likely to happen unless the China government changes.

Collins – And other countries?

Dook – Most of them are in favor of our home rule, which is easy to understand.  I can’t imagine that what happens here would affect Uruguay at all, so they get to play the good guys at no cost.

Collins – So, does all of this that mean that you give up?

Dook – Not at all.  I mentioned the retrogrades in our last interview.   They are Angwin mutants with brains like Angwin, bodies like humans.  It is odd that those who have seen me on TV are perfectly willing to accept the existence of normal Angwin, but not our retrogrades.  Those who oppose us seem to have forgotten that the retrogrades with their superior intelligence and human looks can support our cause without being detected.

The water supply in several major cities in countries that oppose us have experienced a barely detectible sweetness in their water supply – Beijing,  Mumbai and Chicago to name a few.  The little bit of sugar in the water caused no harm, but what if our retrogrades had put something else in the water?  The rulers in the countries that are against us should think about the possibilities.  We have no interest in causing harm, but we insist on what is owed to us.

We will get our homeland.  Those that signed on early will receive the benefit of our agricultural and medical secrets which will greatly aide their societies.  Those that acquiesce later lose.

Collins – I’m pleased to hear of your future success.  What else has been happening?

Dook – There are organizations that want to attack our territory on either speciest or aggressive grounds.  It shouldn’t be necessary to repeat that they cannot depend on any of their members not to be double agents.  Additionally, our homes are nigh impregnable, and we have efficient weapons.  Suffice to say – save yourself a lot of blood and forget it.  Further, anyone attempting to make good on threats on my life is as good as dead.

A very sad note is the interest in displaying one of us as the “Hottentot  Venus” that was done a century ago.  If you don’t know about that shameful spectacle, I suggest that you look it up.  To be clear, we do not take part in any degrading demonstration for any amount of money.

Collins – You mention “speciest”.  What do you consider yourselves?

Dook – We are “homo angwin”.   Same questionable genus name, but different species.

Collins – You’ve revealed some very dangerous schemes.  Is there any good news?

Dook – Since our interview, I’ve been in touch with Doug Hawley who has the famous sasquatch photo.   He has convinced me that it is legitimate.

Collins – Anything else?

Dook – I have some very good news.  While we have no interest in exploitation, I have a great singing voice in both pure Angwin and Western styles.  My versions of ’60 songs like “Roll With It” and “Sledgehammer” put the originals to shame.  My agent can be reached at 503-555-1234 in Lake Oswego Oregon.

Collins – Despite the power of this interview, I fear that we must quit for now.  No time for closing statements or questions from the audience.  I hope that everyone comes back for our next interview when we can talk about the Angwin homeland.  This will be rebroadcast and dvds are available.

                                                        Prime 3

Julie Collins – We are here for the third interview with Yeti/Angwin spokesman

Dook.  For the five people living under rocks in Blankistan, in the first two interviews we learned that the Angwin are small relatives of humans, who live in the Himalayas.  They sometimes have mutant progeny that look just like humans, but all of them are brilliant.  Dook agreed to an interview in order to gain a homeland for his people.  After a few troubles, he has succeeded and he will tell you about that today.

Tell us Dook, how you succeeded.

Dook – We always knew that we would prevail.  As you know from the last interview, we used the stick of mass sabotage to recalcitrant nations and the carrot of our advanced knowledge.  Almost all nations fell into line.

Julie Collins – There were exceptions?

Dook – Yes, but I won’t name them.  There are a number of failed states that have no functioning government and therefore can neither accept nor reject us.  One nation, once considered the most powerful, has become an international pariah and has no interests outside its border.  The lack of acceptance from those places is irrelevant.

Julie Collins – Where do you go from here?

Dook – We are currently setting up boundaries and working on limited trade.  We intend to export technology and knowledge and import some food we can’t produce and some electronics.  Based on stories from our mutants, the retrogrades, we’d probably enjoy TV such as “The Venture Brothers” and “Playing House”, and music from Neil Young and Jerry Lee Lewis.

Julie Collins – Do you have a government in place to deal with the outside world?

Dook – We have a representative council, with rotating members, which votes on issues that concern us.  That’s how we came up with the plan for a homeland.

Julie Collins – No president, prime minister or grand poobah?

Dook – Don’t have any, don’t need any.

Julie Collins – But surely you have some exalted position in that you speak for the Angwin.

Dook – I drew the short straw.  Some others have been chosen to speak to various audiences around the world that are curious about us.  We can also experience other cultures that way.

Julie Collins – Won’t you be affected by lower elevations?

Dook – One of the retrogrades has invented a device that limits our oxygen, something like the opposite of portable oxygen that your people with limited lung capacity use.  If you think we look strange now, you should see us wearing that appliance.  Yetis from space!

Julie Collins – Do you have allies or alliances?

Dook – Alliances lead to war and other forms of insanity.  We don’t need to be in the United Nations, NATO, ASEAN.  Having our homeland is enough.  Although we can defend ourselves as has been proven, we will avoid conflict.

Julie Collins – Anything else that you would like to share before we finish up?

Dook – I brought enough Tibetan Peach Pie for you and the studio audience.

Julie Collins – Thanks from me and the audience.  I hope that we can talk again soon.

                                                       Prime 4

Julie Collins – We are back with our fourth interview with Dook, who represents the Angwins, or what we had called Yetis or abominable snowmen.  Today, we’d like to talk about a controversial area, the beliefs or religion of the Angwin.  Welcome back Dook.

Dook – Same to you Julie.

Julie Collins – So what is your religion or beliefs?

Dook – We don’t subscribe to anything which might be called a religion, but some of our mutant retrogrades have adopted some of the beliefs of the lands in which they live.

Julie Collins – Some might think that you would be Buddhists given your proximity to Tibet.

Dook – We have absolutely learned from our neighbors.  There emphasis on leading good lives in general resonates with us, and we learned yoga and meditation from them, but for practical rather than spiritual reasons.  The idea of Nirvana does not appeal much to us.  We like having a good time.

Julie Collins – And what have you taken from the Hindus?

Dook – Again, I would say their belief in ethical living, as is emphasized in most religions.  The same is true of the lesser known Zoroastrianism.

Julie Collins – And their many gods and belief in reincarnation?

Dook – First, I think that the emphasis on the multitude of “gods” is overdone.  Secondly, we think that when we die, we are gone.

Julie Collins – Islam?

Dook – We do not disparage any belief as long as it does not condone violence.  We have not had much contact with Muslims despite them living close by.

Julie Collins – No eternal life, no supreme being?

Dook – No.  Chuckles.  We don’t imagine a giant bearded patriarch in the sky.  The universe may be the ultimate intelligence, but there is no way that we would know.

Julie Collins – What of Western Religions like Christianity, or smaller faiths like Latter Day Saints or Scientology?

Dook – We have studied them and adapted anything that we find helpful.  We like most of the teachings of Jesus, but suspect that he was misquoted on occasion.

Julie Collins – So much for what you don’t believe.  What do you believe?

Dook – As I mentioned, we simply believe in leading good lives.  As isolated and few as we are, we must rely on mutual support.  We have our mythology, parables and allegories which we don’t necessarily take literally, but use as learning devices.

Julie Collins – Could you give us some examples?

Dook – Our legends say that early Angwin witnessed the extinct Harrapan civilization of the Indus River and learned ecological lessons from its demise.  They cut down the forest and their land became desiccated.  Lesson – don’t destroy your home by overbuilding.  It has been passed down that earlier lowland Angwin were there during the Vedic period of early Hinduism when the battles were fought and destruction was wrought.  Lesson – avoid conflict.  We wish that lesson was used more often, especially now in the Middle East.

There is Angwin folk wisdom.   “I don’t need any more snow or oxygen.”  “Try some condiments on your fungus.”  As you can imagine, these are particularly suitable for us.

Julie Collins – Many religions, ethnic groups or nationalities believe that they have a founder.  How about you?

Dook – The elders tell a story about Angwine, a person of ambiguous sexuality who lived thousands of years ago in what was pre-civilization Iraq.  He/she is supposed to resemble current Angwin and lived for hundreds of years with many husbands and wives in a rich kingdom.  The story may be as real as Santa Claus, or it may be a concatenation of a number of real progenitors of the Angwin today.

Julie Collins – I’m sure that I could ask a million more questions, or at least twenty, but that is all that I have prepared.  Do you have any final comments?

Dook – A couple.  Our scholars ran across an account of a religion which died out, but in its early history it developed along with Judaism.  Its beliefs speak to us more than other organized religions.  Oddly, a description of it was published in the online journal Potluck – Elrod (http://potluckmag.com/april-2015/2015/4/24/lrd).

On a completely unrelated note, the major country that had spurned us recognizes us now that its leader has quit in disgrace.

                                                     Prime 5

Julie Collins – I’m very pleased to be able to have another interview with Dook, a representative of our closest relatives, what we call the yetis and what they call the Angwin.

We have talked about some Angwin basics and your successful attempt to create homeland.  Today I’d like to talk about your daily life.  We’ve already learned about your sustainable life, and your creative romantic life.  Would you tell us what a normal day is like for you folk?

Dook – Glad to.  We always try to get a good night’s sleep and then work on our homes and communal structures and harvest our food.  None of those activities take very long, so we have plenty of time for entertaining ourselves.

Julie Collins – I’m sure that our in house audience and those listening and viewing at home would like the details filled in.

Dook – Let me start on what you might call our infrastructure.  Most of us live under the snow and we have tunnels connecting our homes.  Depending on the weather, we may have to create troughs and pits for water runoff or repair damaged tunnels.  At least we never want for building materials – snow and ice.  Chuckles.

Julie Collins – If I may break in here, are all homes connected to all other homes?

Dook – Oh, no the number of connecting tunnels would be astronomical.  Want me to do some illustrative mathematics for you?

Julie Collins – Oh, please no!  But I do wonder how many houses you have and how many live in a house?

Dook – I don’t know the answer to the first question and if I did, I would not want the answer known.  As indicated in an earlier interview, we do have enemies, and we would like to keep some secrets.  As to your second question, anywhere from one to fifty may live in a single home.

Julie Collins – Fifty?  Are extended families common amongst Angwin? 

Dook – Our social structures are more varied than among humans.  In some cases there may be several generations in one house.  In another, it may resemble a sorority or a fraternity.  Also, polyamory is widely practiced with various mixtures of genders.  Less sensational is the most common arrangement, mother, father and 2.5 children.  The 2.5 is a joke unless it isn’t funny.

Julie Collins – Is homosexuality common?

Dook – About the same as with humans, also roughly the same percent as left handers.

Julie – How about you personally?

Dook – I’d like to keep my private life private out of consideration of my family.

Julie Collins – You mentioned in an earlier interview that you are relatively impervious to the cold.  Are your homes warm enough naturally, or are they heated somehow?

Dook – We don’t need anything beyond the heat generated by living in close quarters, but we like hot baths and we get into the sunshine when available.

Julie Collins – How do you heat water?

Dook – We have become very good with solar energy.  Our retrogrades, have been very helpful.

Julie Collins – Remind us about the retrogrades.

Dook – We produce some mutant children occasionally who look like humans, but are as smart as we are.

Julie Collins – You mentioned time for entertainment.

Dook – We have games and quizzes.  Some of the Angwin are excellent sculptors.  We use both stone and snow.  The snow is used as an impermanent medium, something like the sand in Japanese gardens.

Over the years, the retrogrades have furnished us with up to date technology for writing and film.  As a result, we have quite a library of indigenous literature and film, plus some of the best human product.

Julie Collins – You mentioned earlier that you have a stable population because your women can time their births.  How is that done?

Dook – I believe that I mentioned before that we have developed various kinds of fungi.  One increases a woman’s fertility and another one shuts it down.

If I may interject an interesting sidelight, a part of what we offered to the rest of the world in return for our homeland was information about our discoveries.  The birth preventing fungi is very popular among women in countries controlled by patriarchal societies and fundamentalist religions.  The male rulers feel that power comes from an out of control population of the poor and uneducated, but the women have found access to contraband fungi and are taking control of their births.  I’m sure that those brave women can improve the fortunes of their countries.

Julie Collins – That is indeed good news.  My final question is related to your last answer.  You mentioned your fungi diet.  What else do you eat?

Dook – I mentioned our solar power earlier.  We also grow a variety of vegetables with hydroponics.  I brought some peppers with me this time.  Take this basket.

Julie Collins – Dook, thanks for taking the time again to talk with me.  Any final thoughts?

Dook – Thanks for all of the people and governments that have supported us.  We feel that humans and Angwin can have a beneficial relationship in the coming years.

                                                  Prime 6

Julie Collins – For our sixth interview with Dook, our Angwin / Yeti spokesman, we are shaking it up.  Dook is joined by our first appearance of a female Angwin, Sally.

Before I take questions from the audience, the ushers will pass around a salad made by the Angwin.

OK, first question.  Please give your name and where you live.  You in the third row, red hat.

Hi, I’m Jane from Manchester England.  Sally, if I’m pronouncing that right, who runs your people the males or the females?

Sally – You aren’t pronouncing it right, but I’ve never been able to do French right, so no problem.

We are fairly equalitarian.  Unlike humans, we don’t have any “male” or “female” jobs, except that females are the baby makers.  Females may have the edge when it comes to art, and males for tool making, but the difference is insignificant.  The makeup of our councils is fairly evenly split.

Julie Collins – Let’s hear from the man in the seventh row with the purple coat.

Jake Mbenga from Capetown.  We’ve heard a lot lately about politicians and celebrities accused of rape or assault on women.  Does that happen among the Angwin?

Dook – Much like humans, Angwin men would like to live a long life, so no.

Sally – It happens, but it is rare for the reason the Dook gives.

If I may ask a follow up, why is that?

Dook – I’d like to say that we are an enlightened people.  That is true.  It is also true that the Angwin women are usually larger and stronger than the men.  This is true in most animals, but not among most mammals.  We don’t know why it is true for the Angwin.

Julie Collins – Let’s hear from the man in the Dude hat wearing an orange jacket.

Doug Hawley from Lake Oswego Oregon USA.  In earlier interviews, Dook mentioned that Angwin live in caves and under the snow.  Is it one or the other or both?

Sally – Dook and I chuckled about that earlier.  It is both.  We apologize for the lack of clarity, Dook made a mistake in suggesting it was primarily one or the other.

Julie Collins – The woman with the red hair and killer dress in row six.

Michelle Duval from Lyon, France.  Sally, how were you chosen to be a part of this interview?

Sally – Same as Dook, short straw.  Audience titters.  Well, that was part of it, but the same as Dook, my English is good and I am knowledgeable in Angwin culture.

Julie Collins – Petite woman in Hello Kitty outfit, tenth row.

Miu Furingo Tokyo.  I’m studying to be an environmental engineer and I  appreciate the Angwin’s dedication to sustainability.  How do you handle sewage and refuse?

Sally – I’ll take that because Dook seems to be sleeping or meditating.  We generate very little waste, because we don’t wear clothing, except for this interview – the producer insisted that we cover the naughty bits – and don’t use packaging.  Much like humans, we don’t eat the yellow snow.  Chuckling from audience.  Anyway, as you probably know, drinking urine causes no problems.

Julie Collins – Let me interrupt a moment.  Did you get “naughty bits” from a Monte Python routine?

Dook – That’s right.  The retrogrades have been sending up episodes.  Are they making any more episodes?

Julie Collins – Sorry to say that one of the Pythons is deceased and the group doesn’t perform together any more.  Sorry for the interruption, what were you about to say?

Sally – As a part of our sustainable practices, solid waste is used in our hydroponic gardens where we grow our vegetables.

How do you like your salads?  Spitting and groaning sounds from the audience.

Oh come on, we’ve been eating this stuff for hundreds of years and no one ever got sick.

Julie Collins – I see that most of the audience is heading for the doors, so that concludes our sixth exclusive Angwin interview.

                                                         Prime

                                                  Doug Hawley

Interviewer:  Welcome to the most significant television show ever.  I know that it sounds like hyperbole, but this is the first ever interview with our closest relative, sometimes know as a Yeti or abominable snowman.

Because of the worldwide interest, the show is being simulcast around the world in English with translations into every major language with additional showings delayed for prime time viewing.  DVDs will be available within a week of the broadcast.  There will be minimal commercial interruptions.

The first order of business is to introduce our guest on my left.  What would you like to be called?

Dook:  A close approximation to my name in human languages would be Dook.

Interviewer:  We have so much to learn about you, but why can you speak English?

Dook:  We picked it up from newspapers, radio and television programs which are occasionally in English and from what we call the retrogrades.

Interviewer:  It sounds like you must be quick learners.  The retrogrades sound interesting, but if you don’t mind, I’ll get back to them later.  I’ve got so many questions.  Legend would have you seven or eight feet tall, but you only appear to be about four and half feet tall, or as non-Americans would say, less than a meter and a half.

Dook:  That’s mostly because the people that saw us exaggerated madly.  I don’t think anyone would claim to be scared by a white furry hobbit.

Interviewer:  At least the legends are right about the white fur.  I suppose that it helps you live in the cold environment north of India.

Dook:  That’s part of it.  Do you want the full story?

Interviewer:  Absolutely.  Our worldwide audience would love all of the details.

Dook:  A few thousand years ago, what you call the yeti, and we call Angwin, or superiors in our language, diverged from homo sapiens.  As we evolved to suit our environment, our blood changed to adapt to the altitude.  The reason that we are doing this in Nepal is that we Angwin can’t thrive in lower altitudes.

Physically, we got smaller with lower metabolism in order to survive on available food sources.  Our pelts are much like otters in its insulation.  We are usually awake only a few hours a day to conserve energy.

Given our difficult environment, we had to get smarter to survive.  We developed edible fungi that thrive in our homes in tunnels and caves.  I will confess that I personally am not a purist.  I’ve been known to steal food from villages, and grab things left behind by trekkers – they are so wasteful.  We are largely vegetarian, but in a pinch …

Interviewer:  Your answer invites so many more questions.  You seem to imply that you have evolved to be superior to humans.

Dook:  That should be self evident.  We live in harmony, don’t pollute and keep our population at a sustainable level.

Interviewer:  Relative to your population, I think that our viewers would like to know about your romantic life.

Dook:  Put another way, the drooling viewing perverts want to know about our sex lives.  I’ve seen you glancing at the bulge in my shorts that your producer forced me to wear.  I even got unwanted help putting them on from that very handsy producer.  Yes, I’m very much a male. 

The secondary sexual characteristics of our females are such that no enhancement is necessary, if you catch my drift.  Our sex lives are frequent and inventive.  Our flexibility permits acts unimaginable in humans.  Just thinking about it makes my shorts tighter yet.  Better yet, the female easily times births without any artificial methods.  In that way, we keep our population stable.

Interviewer:  I’m unconvinced about your superiority at this point, but let’s talk about the retrogrades that you mentioned earlier.

Dook:  The retrograde story should also convince you of our superiority.  Given our relation to humans, every once in awhile, we give birth to an Angwin that appears human, but has an Angwin brain.  They act as our emissaries to the unknowing world outside, keeping us up to date on events.  Sometimes they just migrate to local villages, and sometimes they travel afar.  In fact some of the villagers know our secret but they have either been discreet, or dismissed as superstitious fools.  Many of our retrogrades have been big successes in the world at large.  A good example is a retrograde that was huge in scientific circles in Switzerland and then the US in the early twentieth century.  His equation is known the world around, and improved on the knowledge of a mere human.  An unfortunate example of ours was a very rich man in the US who went into politics, but at least he succeeded.  Our take is that he was corrupted by long exposure to human society.

Interviewer:  Is the North American bigfoot or sasquatch related to you?

Dook:  We frankly believe that the bigfoot stories are myths, despite the widely circulated photo of Doug Hawley with a purported bigfoot in Oregon.

Interviewer:  One last question for what I hope that will be one of many interviews.  Why are you talking to us now after previously being so shy?

Dook:  It may be a vain hope, but we are hoping to halt an encroaching human population.  We don’t want to be overrun or exploited.  Our hope is to form a coalition of nations that will allow us a homeland, something like Israel, but without the continuous conflict.

                                                   Prime 2

This is Julie Collins back with our second interview with Dook, the representative of the Yeti, or as they say, the Angwin.

Collins – What has happened since I last talked to you?  I know that you wanted to get agreement on an Angwin homeland.

Dook – There have been bumps along the way, but we never thought that it would be easy.  We share with humans the idea that we should hope for the best, expect the worst.  We’ve made little obvious progress towards our goal, and there have been threats against us, mostly against me.  We know that we will prevail however.

Collins – Are you doing something to protect yourself and your people?

Dook – Yes, but I’ll get to that later.

Collins – You are not physically imposing.   Do you have heavy weapons at your disposal?

Dook – I’d rather not say.  We don’t want to give our enemies too much information.

Collins – Can you give us the specifics of various nations’ response to your proposal?

Dook – I mentioned one of our retrogrades in the first interview.  He is now the president of a powerful country.  His response was highly negative:

“I’ve cast my lot with the humans and renounce the sad yeti people.  You are small in all ways.   It would be against our interest to grant you any sovereignty.  With the rapid climate change, there may come a time when iron, coal and even gold may be mined where you live.  I want the opportunity to extract whatever lies under your land.  If that means that you must move, we can just set you up in North Dakota.  It ought to look like home to you and I could use more workers on the pipeline.”

That was the formal response, which had more than 140 characters.  Shortly thereafter, we received a tweet.

“I might reconsider if you would introduce me to some of the yeti women.”

Collins – How about your neighbors?

Dook – That was not a surprise at all.  Most if not all of the countries in our region are concerned about giving up a square centimeter of land, regardless of its value.   India, Pakistan, China, Nepal all have been arguing over the extent of their territory.  Each turned us down flat.  The Tibet representative said that he would be glad to negotiate after Tibet got home rule, which isn’t likely to happen unless the China government changes.

Collins – And other countries?

Dook – Most of them are in favor of our home rule, which is easy to understand.  I can’t imagine that what happens here would affect Uruguay at all, so they get to play the good guys at no cost.

Collins – So, does all of this that mean that you give up?

Dook – Not at all.  I mentioned the retrogrades in our last interview.   They are Angwin mutants with brains like Angwin, bodies like humans.  It is odd that those who have seen me on TV are perfectly willing to accept the existence of normal Angwin, but not our retrogrades.  Those who oppose us seem to have forgotten that the retrogrades with their superior intelligence and human looks can support our cause without being detected.

The water supply in several major cities in countries that oppose us have experienced a barely detectible sweetness in their water supply – Beijing,  Mumbai and Chicago to name a few.  The little bit of sugar in the water caused no harm, but what if our retrogrades had put something else in the water?  The rulers in the countries that are against us should think about the possibilities.  We have no interest in causing harm, but we insist on what is owed to us.

We will get our homeland.  Those that signed on early will receive the benefit of our agricultural and medical secrets which will greatly aide their societies.  Those that acquiesce later lose.

Collins – I’m pleased to hear of your future success.  What else has been happening?

Dook – There are organizations that want to attack our territory on either speciest or aggressive grounds.  It shouldn’t be necessary to repeat that they cannot depend on any of their members not to be double agents.  Additionally, our homes are nigh impregnable, and we have efficient weapons.  Suffice to say – save yourself a lot of blood and forget it.  Further, anyone attempting to make good on threats on my life is as good as dead.

A very sad note is the interest in displaying one of us as the “Hottentot  Venus” that was done a century ago.  If you don’t know about that shameful spectacle, I suggest that you look it up.  To be clear, we do not take part in any degrading demonstration for any amount of money.

Collins – You mention “speciest”.  What do you consider yourselves?

Dook – We are “homo angwin”.   Same questionable genus name, but different species.

Collins – You’ve revealed some very dangerous schemes.  Is there any good news?

Dook – Since our interview, I’ve been in touch with Doug Hawley who has the famous sasquatch photo.   He has convinced me that it is legitimate.

Collins – Anything else?

Dook – I have some very good news.  While we have no interest in exploitation, I have a great singing voice in both pure Angwin and Western styles.  My versions of ’60 songs like “Roll With It” and “Sledgehammer” put the originals to shame.  My agent can be reached at 503-555-1234 in Lake Oswego Oregon.

Collins – Despite the power of this interview, I fear that we must quit for now.  No time for closing statements or questions from the audience.  I hope that everyone comes back for our next interview when we can talk about the Angwin homeland.  This will be rebroadcast and dvds are available.

                                                        Prime 3

Julie Collins – We are here for the third interview with Yeti/Angwin spokesman

Dook.  For the five people living under rocks in Blankistan, in the first two interviews we learned that the Angwin are small relatives of humans, who live in the Himalayas.  They sometimes have mutant progeny that look just like humans, but all of them are brilliant.  Dook agreed to an interview in order to gain a homeland for his people.  After a few troubles, he has succeeded and he will tell you about that today.

Tell us Dook, how you succeeded.

Dook – We always knew that we would prevail.  As you know from the last interview, we used the stick of mass sabotage to recalcitrant nations and the carrot of our advanced knowledge.  Almost all nations fell into line.

Julie Collins – There were exceptions?

Dook – Yes, but I won’t name them.  There are a number of failed states that have no functioning government and therefore can neither accept nor reject us.  One nation, once considered the most powerful, has become an international pariah and has no interests outside its border.  The lack of acceptance from those places is irrelevant.

Julie Collins – Where do you go from here?

Dook – We are currently setting up boundaries and working on limited trade.  We intend to export technology and knowledge and import some food we can’t produce and some electronics.  Based on stories from our mutants, the retrogrades, we’d probably enjoy TV such as “The Venture Brothers” and “Playing House”, and music from Neil Young and Jerry Lee Lewis.

Julie Collins – Do you have a government in place to deal with the outside world?

Dook – We have a representative council, with rotating members, which votes on issues that concern us.  That’s how we came up with the plan for a homeland.

Julie Collins – No president, prime minister or grand poobah?

Dook – Don’t have any, don’t need any.

Julie Collins – But surely you have some exalted position in that you speak for the Angwin.

Dook – I drew the short straw.  Some others have been chosen to speak to various audiences around the world that are curious about us.  We can also experience other cultures that way.

Julie Collins – Won’t you be affected by lower elevations?

Dook – One of the retrogrades has invented a device that limits our oxygen, something like the opposite of portable oxygen that your people with limited lung capacity use.  If you think we look strange now, you should see us wearing that appliance.  Yetis from space!

Julie Collins – Do you have allies or alliances?

Dook – Alliances lead to war and other forms of insanity.  We don’t need to be in the United Nations, NATO, ASEAN.  Having our homeland is enough.  Although we can defend ourselves as has been proven, we will avoid conflict.

Julie Collins – Anything else that you would like to share before we finish up?

Dook – I brought enough Tibetan Peach Pie for you and the studio audience.

Julie Collins – Thanks from me and the audience.  I hope that we can talk again soon.

                                                       Prime 4

Julie Collins – We are back with our fourth interview with Dook, who represents the Angwins, or what we had called Yetis or abominable snowmen.  Today, we’d like to talk about a controversial area, the beliefs or religion of the Angwin.  Welcome back Dook.

Dook – Same to you Julie.

Julie Collins – So what is your religion or beliefs?

Dook – We don’t subscribe to anything which might be called a religion, but some of our mutant retrogrades have adopted some of the beliefs of the lands in which they live.

Julie Collins – Some might think that you would be Buddhists given your proximity to Tibet.

Dook – We have absolutely learned from our neighbors.  There emphasis on leading good lives in general resonates with us, and we learned yoga and meditation from them, but for practical rather than spiritual reasons.  The idea of Nirvana does not appeal much to us.  We like having a good time.

Julie Collins – And what have you taken from the Hindus?

Dook – Again, I would say their belief in ethical living, as is emphasized in most religions.  The same is true of the lesser known Zoroastrianism.

Julie Collins – And their many gods and belief in reincarnation?

Dook – First, I think that the emphasis on the multitude of “gods” is overdone.  Secondly, we think that when we die, we are gone.

Julie Collins – Islam?

Dook – We do not disparage any belief as long as it does not condone violence.  We have not had much contact with Muslims despite them living close by.

Julie Collins – No eternal life, no supreme being?

Dook – No.  Chuckles.  We don’t imagine a giant bearded patriarch in the sky.  The universe may be the ultimate intelligence, but there is no way that we would know.

Julie Collins – What of Western Religions like Christianity, or smaller faiths like Latter Day Saints or Scientology?

Dook – We have studied them and adapted anything that we find helpful.  We like most of the teachings of Jesus, but suspect that he was misquoted on occasion.

Julie Collins – So much for what you don’t believe.  What do you believe?

Dook – As I mentioned, we simply believe in leading good lives.  As isolated and few as we are, we must rely on mutual support.  We have our mythology, parables and allegories which we don’t necessarily take literally, but use as learning devices.

Julie Collins – Could you give us some examples?

Dook – Our legends say that early Angwin witnessed the extinct Harrapan civilization of the Indus River and learned ecological lessons from its demise.  They cut down the forest and their land became desiccated.  Lesson – don’t destroy your home by overbuilding.  It has been passed down that earlier lowland Angwin were there during the Vedic period of early Hinduism when the battles were fought and destruction was wrought.  Lesson – avoid conflict.  We wish that lesson was used more often, especially now in the Middle East.

There is Angwin folk wisdom.   “I don’t need any more snow or oxygen.”  “Try some condiments on your fungus.”  As you can imagine, these are particularly suitable for us.

Julie Collins – Many religions, ethnic groups or nationalities believe that they have a founder.  How about you?

Dook – The elders tell a story about Angwine, a person of ambiguous sexuality who lived thousands of years ago in what was pre-civilization Iraq.  He/she is supposed to resemble current Angwin and lived for hundreds of years with many husbands and wives in a rich kingdom.  The story may be as real as Santa Claus, or it may be a concatenation of a number of real progenitors of the Angwin today.

Julie Collins – I’m sure that I could ask a million more questions, or at least twenty, but that is all that I have prepared.  Do you have any final comments?

Dook – A couple.  Our scholars ran across an account of a religion which died out, but in its early history it developed along with Judaism.  Its beliefs speak to us more than other organized religions.  Oddly, a description of it was published in the online journal Potluck – Elrod (http://potluckmag.com/april-2015/2015/4/24/lrd).

On a completely unrelated note, the major country that had spurned us recognizes us now that its leader has quit in disgrace.

                                                     Prime 5

Julie Collins – I’m very pleased to be able to have another interview with Dook, a representative of our closest relatives, what we call the yetis and what they call the Angwin.

We have talked about some Angwin basics and your successful attempt to create homeland.  Today I’d like to talk about your daily life.  We’ve already learned about your sustainable life, and your creative romantic life.  Would you tell us what a normal day is like for you folk?

Dook – Glad to.  We always try to get a good night’s sleep and then work on our homes and communal structures and harvest our food.  None of those activities take very long, so we have plenty of time for entertaining ourselves.

Julie Collins – I’m sure that our in house audience and those listening and viewing at home would like the details filled in.

Dook – Let me start on what you might call our infrastructure.  Most of us live under the snow and we have tunnels connecting our homes.  Depending on the weather, we may have to create troughs and pits for water runoff or repair damaged tunnels.  At least we never want for building materials – snow and ice.  Chuckles.

Julie Collins – If I may break in here, are all homes connected to all other homes?

Dook – Oh, no the number of connecting tunnels would be astronomical.  Want me to do some illustrative mathematics for you?

Julie Collins – Oh, please no!  But I do wonder how many houses you have and how many live in a house?

Dook – I don’t know the answer to the first question and if I did, I would not want the answer known.  As indicated in an earlier interview, we do have enemies, and we would like to keep some secrets.  As to your second question, anywhere from one to fifty may live in a single home.

Julie Collins – Fifty?  Are extended families common amongst Angwin? 

Dook – Our social structures are more varied than among humans.  In some cases there may be several generations in one house.  In another, it may resemble a sorority or a fraternity.  Also, polyamory is widely practiced with various mixtures of genders.  Less sensational is the most common arrangement, mother, father and 2.5 children.  The 2.5 is a joke unless it isn’t funny.

Julie Collins – Is homosexuality common?

Dook – About the same as with humans, also roughly the same percent as left handers.

Julie – How about you personally?

Dook – I’d like to keep my private life private out of consideration of my family.

Julie Collins – You mentioned in an earlier interview that you are relatively impervious to the cold.  Are your homes warm enough naturally, or are they heated somehow?

Dook – We don’t need anything beyond the heat generated by living in close quarters, but we like hot baths and we get into the sunshine when available.

Julie Collins – How do you heat water?

Dook – We have become very good with solar energy.  Our retrogrades, have been very helpful.

Julie Collins – Remind us about the retrogrades.

Dook – We produce some mutant children occasionally who look like humans, but are as smart as we are.

Julie Collins – You mentioned time for entertainment.

Dook – We have games and quizzes.  Some of the Angwin are excellent sculptors.  We use both stone and snow.  The snow is used as an impermanent medium, something like the sand in Japanese gardens.

Over the years, the retrogrades have furnished us with up to date technology for writing and film.  As a result, we have quite a library of indigenous literature and film, plus some of the best human product.

Julie Collins – You mentioned earlier that you have a stable population because your women can time their births.  How is that done?

Dook – I believe that I mentioned before that we have developed various kinds of fungi.  One increases a woman’s fertility and another one shuts it down.

If I may interject an interesting sidelight, a part of what we offered to the rest of the world in return for our homeland was information about our discoveries.  The birth preventing fungi is very popular among women in countries controlled by patriarchal societies and fundamentalist religions.  The male rulers feel that power comes from an out of control population of the poor and uneducated, but the women have found access to contraband fungi and are taking control of their births.  I’m sure that those brave women can improve the fortunes of their countries.

Julie Collins – That is indeed good news.  My final question is related to your last answer.  You mentioned your fungi diet.  What else do you eat?

Dook – I mentioned our solar power earlier.  We also grow a variety of vegetables with hydroponics.  I brought some peppers with me this time.  Take this basket.

Julie Collins – Dook, thanks for taking the time again to talk with me.  Any final thoughts?

Dook – Thanks for all of the people and governments that have supported us.  We feel that humans and Angwin can have a beneficial relationship in the coming years.

                                                  Prime 6

Julie Collins – For our sixth interview with Dook, our Angwin / Yeti spokesman, we are shaking it up.  Dook is joined by our first appearance of a female Angwin, Sally.

Before I take questions from the audience, the ushers will pass around a salad made by the Angwin.

OK, first question.  Please give your name and where you live.  You in the third row, red hat.

Hi, I’m Jane from Manchester England.  Sally, if I’m pronouncing that right, who runs your people the males or the females?

Sally – You aren’t pronouncing it right, but I’ve never been able to do French right, so no problem.

We are fairly equalitarian.  Unlike humans, we don’t have any “male” or “female” jobs, except that females are the baby makers.  Females may have the edge when it comes to art, and males for tool making, but the difference is insignificant.  The makeup of our councils is fairly evenly split.

Julie Collins – Let’s hear from the man in the seventh row with the purple coat.

Jake Mbenga from Capetown.  We’ve heard a lot lately about politicians and celebrities accused of rape or assault on women.  Does that happen among the Angwin?

Dook – Much like humans, Angwin men would like to live a long life, so no.

Sally – It happens, but it is rare for the reason the Dook gives.

If I may ask a follow up, why is that?

Dook – I’d like to say that we are an enlightened people.  That is true.  It is also true that the Angwin women are usually larger and stronger than the men.  This is true in most animals, but not among most mammals.  We don’t know why it is true for the Angwin.

Julie Collins – Let’s hear from the man in the Dude hat wearing an orange jacket.

Doug Hawley from Lake Oswego Oregon USA.  In earlier interviews, Dook mentioned that Angwin live in caves and under the snow.  Is it one or the other or both?

Sally – Dook and I chuckled about that earlier.  It is both.  We apologize for the lack of clarity, Dook made a mistake in suggesting it was primarily one or the other.

Julie Collins – The woman with the red hair and killer dress in row six.

Michelle Duval from Lyon, France.  Sally, how were you chosen to be a part of this interview?

Sally – Same as Dook, short straw.  Audience titters.  Well, that was part of it, but the same as Dook, my English is good and I am knowledgeable in Angwin culture.

Julie Collins – Petite woman in Hello Kitty outfit, tenth row.

Miu Furingo Tokyo.  I’m studying to be an environmental engineer and I  appreciate the Angwin’s dedication to sustainability.  How do you handle sewage and refuse?

Sally – I’ll take that because Dook seems to be sleeping or meditating.  We generate very little waste, because we don’t wear clothing, except for this interview – the producer insisted that we cover the naughty bits – and don’t use packaging.  Much like humans, we don’t eat the yellow snow.  Chuckling from audience.  Anyway, as you probably know, drinking urine causes no problems.

Julie Collins – Let me interrupt a moment.  Did you get “naughty bits” from a Monte Python routine?

Dook – That’s right.  The retrogrades have been sending up episodes.  Are they making any more episodes?

Julie Collins – Sorry to say that one of the Pythons is deceased and the group doesn’t perform together any more.  Sorry for the interruption, what were you about to say?

Sally – As a part of our sustainable practices, solid waste is used in our hydroponic gardens where we grow our vegetables.

How do you like your salads?  Spitting and groaning sounds from the audience.

Oh come on, we’ve been eating this stuff for hundreds of years and no one ever got sick.

Julie Collins – I see that most of the audience is heading for the doors, so that concludes our sixth exclusive Angwin interview.

Appeared in Short Humour and Occulum. At eight episodes, this is the second longest series that I have written after smart car. As with smart car, I wrote episodes after each was accepted until I ran out of ideas. The idea is from the sasquatch / big foot legend in the US Pacific Northwest and one I saw on Mt. Hood in Oregon.