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Generic Network Announcer:  Instead of the announced presidential debate tonight, the candidates have a surprise announcement.

Candidate Ego:  I’m dropping out of the race.  I’ve got better things to do, and I’ve got an attractive offer to backup Putin in Russia.

Candidate Stutters:  While I’m glad that the USA won’t have to put up with that hack again, I’ve got a lot of books to read and politics interferes with my nap time.

Announcer:  Do either of you want to endorse someone else?

Candidate Ego:  No one could be anywhere near as good as me, so no.

Candidate Stutters:  I’ll let my party decide. I never thought of any original ideas anyway.  Everything came from my staff.

Announcer:  That’s it, I’m out too.  We’ve got a lot of time to kill, so why don’t you two elderly gentlemen talk about whatever you want.

Candidate Ego:  My wife is from Eastern Europe, so I’m sure she will be happy to move out of this crappy place.

Candidate Stutters:  My teleprompter says I was great on the economy, but fortunately nothing about inflation or how close I got us to an apocalyptic war.

Candidate Ego:  I don’t need a teleprompter to know I’m great with the women.  No more unhealthy abortions.  No one needs to mention my rape convictions or locker talk if I don’t run.

Candidate Stutters:  Since I’m not running again people will forget about my daughter’s diary.  Another good reason to dropout.

Candidate Ego:  I’ll give you some credit Stutters.  I bought votes from real billionaires by cutting their taxes.  You targeted college grads by paying off their loans.  Lots more college grads with loans than billionaires.  We were both smart to run the government on credit card, buying voters with no way to pay for it and shifting the burden to future generations.

Candidate Stutters:  Getting white people to buy the great replacement theory and playing on their prejudices was despicable, but successful.

Candidate Ego:  We are both smart to get out, while the getting is good.  Pensions, secret service protection, no more pretending to like people.

Candidate Stutters:  Yeah, and politicians are the worst.  Except for us of course.

Candidate Ego:  I don’t know about the ex-president’s club.  Clinton’s probably OK, but despite his reputation, I’m better with women.  I’ll bet he’s got some great stories.  Obama could be a problem after all those lies I told about him.

Candidate Stutters:  Don’t worry about Obama.  He’ll insult you a lot, but you deserve it, and ex-presidents are an exclusive group.  None of us hassled Bush about destroying a whole region and getting thousands killed.

Candidate Ego:  I’m so happy to get out of politics.  I was a loved eccentric billionaire, boffing babes all over the place, but now I’m the most hated man in America.

Candidate Stutters:  I hear you.  Let me tell you about my big mistake.  Married a doctor to take care of me in old age, then I find out she’s doctor of education.  What the hell, does she fix sick schools?

Candidate Ego:  I’m getting tired and I’ve got a hot date tonight. Could you front me some carfare?

Candidate Stutters:  Sorry I left my wallet at home.

Appears in The Haven